Like Never Before
by EE's Skysong
Summary: Smellerbee, in a way, is the cause of all Jet's troubles [she is who Longshot loves, she is why they left their hideout, she is why they leave him] but it was his idea to keep her around in the first place. JetShotBee triangle, some JeZu.


Disclaimer: "So much to say But no words to convey The loneliness building with each passing day"

(An: It makes sense that to break my writer's block, I'd have to write something really, really angsty. That's what I'm good at, after all, even if it is the total antithesis of what gave me writer's block in the first place. This is way, way slashy, and there is no happy ending, so don't read if you don't like that stuff.)

1. Pet:

Longshot raises his eyebrows. _We've never had a girl before_.

"She's interesting, Longshot- she's got scrap." Jet can communicate with just his gestures as well as him; a shrug (_she doesn't mean anything_), a rueful smile (_we need a knife fighter since Rooster kicked it_), a firm nod (_this changes _nothing).

Longshot seems satisfied with it; his face is grave as usual, but he nods. When the new girl comes past, stony-faced and sullen, he shoves her gently, and she sticks out her tongue.

Suddenly, Jet doesn't like his answer anymore. Longshot has never smiled at a brand-new recruit before.

8. Skin

She began very pale- as befitted a geisha-in-training- but after the first day, she was sunburned, and after her first week with the group she is almost brown. She spends so much time with Longshot that Jet cannot help but notice how pale the archer is.

That night, he dreams of milk-white hands and lips the color of moonlight; when he wakes, he swallows and wishes that he were wiser, but he supposes there is nothing to be done about it now. He goes outside to clear his head, but he cannot stop hoping Longshot will touch him, even accidentally.

2. War:

"You get used to it after awhile," Jet says. Both he and Longshot have an arm around the girl's skinny shoulders. He pauses, and then he adds, "Sort of."

They have adopted this girl, protecting her from the Fire Nation and anyone else who wants to harm her. And for the most part, she has fought- _I don't need your help!_ But she has still come to them now, after her first kill. His had put him in shock- _He was just alive! _

"I threw up," Longshot offers, and the girl looks scandalized. Longshot is so much better at this.

45. Bloom:

Jet slowly realizes that, while his thoughts of Longshot are strange (and stupid), they aren't at all unpleasant. And they're not going anywhere. The two of them have always been a pair, after all, since the day a very young Jet stumbled across an even younger Longshot weeping over the remains of his home, and that hasn't changed just because of Jet's… views.

It's like a lovely but fragile bloom has sprouted in his heart, and Jet worries about it. He doesn't want to lose it or expose it; he wants to treasure it. He has so little that's beautiful.

17. Spice:

She sniffs the food stolen from the Fire Nation and makes a face. "It smells like it would set you on fire if you just nibbled it."

Smellerbee tries so hard to act the adult. Most of the time, Jet does not notice she is three years younger than him, but now he can't notice anything else, and his stomach is one giant knot of regret.

Longshot laughs when Smellerbee chokes on the fire flakes, but he catches Jet's gaze over her head. _She's so young_.

Jet nods, but his eyes are hard. _We were younger._

Longshot looks away first.

35. Children:

Jet has to restrain the urge to twitch whenever anyone calls him young. No one talks to Longshot- those who don't shy away at his grave stare learn quickly that he won't answer- and Smellerbee corrects their error with every obscenity she knows (and it is a long list).

But Jet is a leader, and he can't afford to ignore or offend possible converts to the cause. So he must bear their stupidity with good grace and humor and ignore the protests in his mind.

Because Jet has not been young for a very long time. None of them have.

4. Green:

"I hate spring," she mutters, rubbing irritably at her watery eyes. "It makes me sneeze." She catches a leaf fluttering down from higher in the canopy and glares at it. Longshot props his chin on his fist and raises his eyebrows, smirking in amusement. "It offends me!" she replies. "It's so annoying… but it's pretty, too."

Longshot ruffles her hair, and she looks puzzled, but Jet knows what he is saying (_Just like you, you weird little whatever-you-are_) and has to turn away. It is private, but neither of them seem to notice; he'll have to do it for them.

9. Dart:

She cannot aim an arrow to save her life.

She is not patient like Longshot; her hands are not steady like Jet's. But there has never been a weapon she could not master.

Yet she has been at it for hours now, and the arrows still go awry. Jet watches her from a tree. She is not alone, of course. Longshot is there, correcting her, and now, as she stands there biting her lip so hard it's as white as Longshot's skin, he has one hand resting on her shoulder.

She can't aim, and Jet can't look away.

It aches.

44. Decay:

Jet hides. He needs to get away from his duties as leaders for a while. They are usually not a burden… but he has only just begun to understand and appreciate this feeling, and now it's been crushed. He has never felt this way before, and he has no way to cope.

The first seeds of bitterness have been sown, but right now, there's only a sort of vague ache. The… _feeling_ is still there, and it is stronger, at least for now. But Jet worries that it will not last, that it will decay… and what will be left?

13. Plight:

Sometime after this, he fights with Longshot. No harsh words or hateful glares are exchanged, but there is an argument all the same. _I don't want to like her,_ Longshot insists, and Jet agrees. _But I do_, and Jet does _not_ agree.

_She's no one_, Jet tells him, holding his arm and his gaze with equal desperation. _Remember?_

Longshot shrugs. _I think I've forgotten._ And then he leaves.

Then Jet fights with himself. _You brought her here. What were you expecting? It's only natural._

He has only fought with Longshot once, but he fights with himself a lot after that.

6. Muscle:

As she grows, she gets skinny- her arms appear to be naught but muscle and bone, and scrawny muscle at that. But she is strong, and so fast, and she fights like a wildcat. There's no strategy there, no guile; she is surprisingly innocent. She is talented with anything she can hone to an edge, and while she isn't stealthy, she knows how to act like it. She is subtler than Sneers, but the two have matching tempers- although she is fairer. And she is endlessly loyal.

She would be Jet's protégé, if only he could get over his jealousy.

3. Sew:

"You're getting taller again," she observes when Jet helplessly shoves his tunic at her. She does everything to hide her girlness, but her stitches give her away- she is better at it than anyone else in the camp. "You don't like me," she says, sucking on the end of the thread. He starts to shake his head, but she corrects herself: "Don't trust me." She nods at Longshot, pinching together the two edges of the tear. "At least, not around him."

Jet's retort dies in his throat. He can't deny it. So he just watches her work instead of trying.

7. Bone:

She holds her arm, trying to shove it into a position that looks close to normal. She bites her lower lip so hard that it nearly disappears; her face is white with pain, but she doesn't stop. Longshot moves toward her, but Jet's first, inspecting the break. He looks up, catching Longshot's eye: _I told you, this changes nothing._

Longshot doesn't look as pleased as the first time. He turns away and looks for a suitable stick to splint her arm to, and Smellerbee whispers, "I knew you didn't trust me." Only now do tears come into her brown eyes.

5. Quilt:

_It was cold last night._ That thought sticks in his mind like a fishbone in his throat. It's why they're sharing a bed- it was cold, their blankets thin. Smellerbee climbs out of Longshot's bed, yawning and stretching- "Is it time for my watch already?"

Jet can only nod; he cannot make his eyes leave Longshot's. Longshot's eyes are not apologetic or ashamed, even as his hands linger a little on Smellerbee's. Instead, they seem to accuse him, to say, _You knew this would happen. I'm not yours. And now I never will be. Don't expect me to thank you._

26. Foot:

"You're going to give me whiplash if you keep growing like this, squirt," Jet says, laughing. She is almost as tall as Jet now.

Smellerbee crosses her arms, the picture of offended feminine dignity. "I'm only aiming to be as tall as Longshot."

Jet looks up so she will not see his smile fade; he keeps his voice light as he asks, "Why, so you won't have to get a box to stand on when you kiss him?"

Smellerbee's hasty, stammered protests are funny enough to make up for the little twist his heart does whenever they speak of Longshot.

16. Sweet:

In his dreams, things are easier. In his dreams, Smellerbee is gone, or the boy she pretends to be, or Longshot simply doesn't care about her the way he does. In his dreams, he is the one Longshot is always smiling at, the one Longshot takes any excuse to touch, the one he always turns to.

His dreams are sweet, in other words. He smiles in his sleep. But he does not sleep as often as he should, or for as long, because in his dreams, everything is perfect, but waking up alone leaves a bitter taste in his mouth.

25. Metal:

Smellerbee treats her knives with a delicacy that is almost sensual. Jet never watches her. He has his own _shuang gou_ to clean, and he was the one who taught her how to care for them in the first place: what oils to use to make them shine, what stones will bring them to their sharpest edge, how not to nick yourself while doing it. To him, it's of little interest. Longshot, though, watches her faithfully every day, just as she studies him while he cleans his bow.

Longshot, after all, is the one who is in love with her.

38. Giggle:

Somebody, somewhere, must find their situation very funny; the spirits, perhaps, or maybe someone in the Fire Nation. The three of them have been shoved together by hatred and pain and war, and all Jet can ever think about is his petty crush on Longshot. Jet supposes that he would find Longshot's own petty crush amusing if he were on the outside looking in. Longshot is so obvious, and Smellerbee is so oblivious; one almost can't believe it.

But it has never made Jet laugh, except in a sort of bitter, rueful way, and he doesn't think it ever will.

15. Torch:

Sometimes, he feels guilty for acting and feeling this way. They are his friends- hand-picked from so many other refugees for their potential, singled out among his own group because of their loyalty- and he should be happy that they are happy. Smellerbee is content to be oblivious of Longshot's feelings (even though she sees too sharply when it comes to Jet's), and Longshot is content just to be around her.

It's because he knows that none of it is really true that he doesn't bother to stifle the flame in his chest- that little torch of jealousy and longing.

23. Katara:

Ah, now there is a girl. She is beautiful, talented, and strong-willed. Jet likes her immediately.

Smellerbee cannot stand her. She hates Katara's brother, too, but if Smellerbee had her way, the Water Tribe girl would burn in the deepest circle of hell. Jet reads all of this from one toss of her head, a disgusted sigh, and he feels sorry for Longshot, who will have to listen to those feeling vocalized.

He feels more sorry for Smellerbee, though. There are no other female Freedom Fighters, so perhaps that is why she doesn't see how similar she and Katara are.

18. Mild:

Longshot's gaze is as gentle as the hands that help him to his feet. Jet is numb all over from being trapped in the ice so long- Longshot went to get Smellerbee down first.

But Longshot does not blame him. Longshot is not angry. Longshot understands that this was a risk, and that for once it didn't pay off.

Jet is so grateful to the archer that his heart breaks all over again. It breaks because he knows Longshot will stand by him forever, no matter what happens- but he will always go to Smellerbee before he goes to him.

19. Hot:

Smellerbee, on the other hand, glares at him. He can feel her fury from five feet away- she seems hot to the touch. It is absurd that such a small girl can hold so much anger.

She didn't know about the plan. Smellerbee is loyal, but, unlike most of his followers, she is also smart. Too smart, sometimes. "We're starting over," she growls, shoving a map at him. "We're going to Ba Sing Se so you can't pull another stunt like this… they're our own people, Jet!"

Smellerbee is also the only one that can make him feel truly guilty.

28. Strawberries

They gather supplies for their journey together. Longshot is helping the other Freedom Fighters get in order, and Jet is left with a sullen Smellerbee who will barely look at him, much less speak to him. No matter how much he resents her sometimes, he can't stand it when she's mad at him. Longshot is the only person closer to him.

"Bee," he says, catching her arm, "it'll be a fresh start for us, I promise."

She looks at him skeptically, her eyes hard as agate, but she only says, "We should take these berries. They don't grow further north."

11. Façade:

"You're lying," she says quietly. He is glad that Longshot isn't here; he can tell she is as well. "There's no new start for us. There's just a new place for you to ruin." She has her eyes closed, and one thumb absently strokes a lost doll.

"Smellerbee-"

"You may lie to me about everything else, Jet," and he wishes she hadn't looked at him because her eyes hurt, "but please, don't bother this time."

He sighs. Slowly, he touches her shoulder. Smellerbee doesn't flinch. "No more lies," he promises, and she shakes her head.

He wouldn't believe himself either.

37. Monster:

The silence is deafening. Jet has to ask. "…Do you think I'm a monster?"

Her hand pauses over a half-ripe berry, and her head tilts his way, but she still refuses to look at him. After a moment (one of the longest in his life), "You're stupid, and you don't think, but that doesn't make you a monster." She pauses. "I don't hate you, either, if that was your next question."

Jet feels a little lighter. Katara was nice, but she doesn't _matter _like Smellerbee does. Katara doesn't hold Longshot's heart- if Smellerbee doesn't hate him, then Longshot never will.

47. Prince:

Jet wakes alone in the middle of the night. The embers of the fire have long since dimmed; there is only a sliver of moon to see by, but Jet knows where his friends are. He can hear their voices if he strains. He strains. They will be far more honest with each other than they could ever be with him.

There is a little stifled sob from Smellerbee. "I knew he wasn't perfect, but I didn't _know_ it." Her voice is muffled; Jet knows it's because she has her face hidden against Longshot. "Now I do… and it hurts."

48. Fairy-Tale:

Longshot doesn't reply; he doesn't have to, since Smellerbee knows Longshot even better than Jet himself. Smellerbee sniffles. "It was never perfect. But it was better once, wasn't it?" She pauses. "I thought so… there had to have been a reason we trusted him." Another pause. "You- of course you knew. He tells you everything." She sighs. "It's just… when I was younger, he seemed like this perfect hero who couldn't do anything wrong- especially not _that_ wrong… and if I can't trust him, who _can_ I trust?"

A pause, and a hoarse voice in the darkness: "Me. Always me."

49. Lavish:

There is a rustle of cloth. Jet can picture them clearly: Smellerbee has moved back so she can study his face, but he is just as grave as ever. Smellerbee is wondering what his angle is; Longshot is wondering how she doesn't see his heart laid bare before her. He is not free with his affections; this is the closest he's come to a confession.

After one very long moment, "I know." Another rustle; Longshot has probably slipped his arms back around her. Smellerbee doesn't resist, and their camp is silent again.

Jet rolls over on his side, feeling alone.

12. Ravage:

For every spotless, glittering Omashu, there are twenty black streaks that were once cities.

They pass through what seems like thousands of these on their way to wherever- their _fresh start_- and Jet is almost glad of it. He is not thinking that Smellerbee doesn't notice how lucky she is or that Longshot is probably suffering from unrequited (or unnoticed) love as much as he is. His fingernails leave crescents in his palms; his lips are so thin with indignant anger that they have almost disappeared.

Jet is never as at peace inside as when he has something to hate.

40. Interrupt:

On their journey, Jet sometimes feels like he is invisible. Smellerbee and Longshot have grown closer and closer, just as he has grown further away, and whenever he speaks, there is a flash of annoyance from Longshot. Smellerbee- somehow- still doesn't know how he feels, but whenever Longshot speaks to her, she seems close to realizing; she will pause, tilt her head, and frown, like she sees something in the distance.

Jet speaks as often as he can. He can bear Longshot, but if Smellerbee ever wises up… she will reject him too, and that will truly break his heart.

29. Cream:

Ordinarily, Smellerbee stakes out her own corner of wherever they're sleeping. She draws an invisible line with a glare that challenges anyone else to come near and therefore question her feminity. The boys have lived with her long enough to know how dangerous that'd be.

But tonight is too cold for their thin blankets to keep them warm, and Smellerbee crawls into the respectful distance Jet and Longshot always keep between each other. Her eyes dare them to challenge her, but Jet isn't watching. He's watching the smug, catlike smile on Longshot's face as he slips his arms around her.

41. Massage:

Smellerbee yawns and stretches; both boys reach for her, but she sits up, avoiding their hands. "You're both so tense," she mumbles. In the morning sunlight, Jet can almost see why Longshot adores her so much; she is not feminine, but her eyes, still heavy with sleep, are warm and teasing, and they make the rest of her… rather lovely. She tilts her head, smiling slightly. "Why is that?"

She doesn't wait for an answer, and she misses the look they exchange. It is not bitter for once; rather, they are back at the beginning again: _what _have_ we found?_

46. Squeal:

Smellerbee is picky about being clean, but she also hates getting wet. Longshot revels in that fact. They never pass a bridge without Smellerbee landing in the water. Her shriek is satisfying, but Jet only listens with half an ear. Just as he can appreciate the craftsmanship of a Fire Nation sword as he stabs its owner, he knows they complement each other well. They show a rare side when they're together- Longshot never smiles as often , and Smellerbee doesn't seem to mind that she wasn't born a boy.

It'd be more interesting if it didn't hurt so much.

20. Scroll:

Longshot looks at him with doleful eyes: _She's usually so much saner than other girls!_ He looks back at Smellerbee, who is doubled over with the giggles in front of the town's message board.

Jet can only nod. He's trying not to laugh himself. Seeing Smellerbee like this is rare- and hilarious.

Longshot waves at her uncertainly, and Smellerbee, still laughing too hard to speak, waves back, signaling for them to wait a moment.

When she comes over, he thinks her mirth has brought tears to her eyes- but then he sees she's holding a wanted poster with their faces.

21. Firefly:

The three of them sit on a hill, their arms linked around Smellerbee's waist and hers wrapped tightly around their shoulders. The night is dark. There are no stars. Smellerbee has stopped crying by now, but she has not yet spoken. She draws a trembling breath and whispers, "What do we do now?"

Longshot points up. There is a single dim, flickering light in the sky.

Her eyes widen… then: "That's a firefly, not a star." Her voice, empty of belief, makes Jet's heart hurt.

Longshot tightens his arms around her. His message is clear: _We have to hope anyway._

22. Long Feng:

"Who is this freak, anyway?" Smellerbee asks. She still has that poster, puzzling over the characters in the corner. Jet wonders for a moment where she learned to read, and then Longshot smoothes out his visage, and Jet wonders why he even bothered asking. "By order of Long Feng… who is he?"

"The poster comes from Ba Sing Se," Longshot points out. "We'll find out when we get there, I guess."

Smellerbee's frown does not fade. She crumples the poster up again.

Jet will remember this later, but it will not help him. By then, it will be too late.

34. Sedate:

The day is warm and drowsy. The sunlight weighs down their eyes like lead, and none of them can even imagine moving.

Jet attempts conversation- because they don't know where they are, and he is sure that used to be important- but Longshot shoots him a disgusted look and disentangles one hand from Smellerbee's hair to shush him. Smellerbee mumbles in her sleep and snuggles closer to Longshot. He kisses her forehead, and Jet feels that familiar clench in his chest.

But after a moment, Jet joins them. There is no point in being bitter on such a nice day.

10. Passion:

There is one boy.

One boy, in all that time, and just for one night.

And he looks nothing like Longshot. His eyes are green, his smile is bright, and the hand that twines itself in Jet's hair is as tanned as Jet's own.

But Jet can close his eyes, can't he? He can pretend as well as the next eighteen-year-old. It's not hard to see ghostlike hands instead of brown ones, to imagine he is the one sleeping next to Longshot instead of his adopted sister.

Jet is positive they'll never see each other again, but that's the attraction.

24. Topknot:

Jet can tell from Lee's stubbly hair that he used to have a topknot. Lee's face is hard, drawn with sharp angles and harsh lines, so Jet knows that he didn't cut it off for aesthetic reasons.

Jet knows so much about him just from a glance. It's like when he first met Longshot, but he was too young then to feel the way he does now. He _wants_ this teenager, as he has never before- not Longshot and certainly not the boy from the market.

He wants to feel that short hair and taste that bitterness on his lips.

27. Fingers:

Lee's hands fascinate Jet. They are pale, and his fingers are long and thin. They bear the scars of long hours of practice with the dual swords he wears on his back. In places the skin is a dull pink. Jet wonders if he got the burns on his hands in the same fight he got the scar on his face.

Lee, from what Jet can tell, is broody, introspective, and secretive. He never laughs, and he seems to consider smiling a crime.

Jet has to wonder if he only chases after Lee because the boy reminds him of Longshot.

32. Soldier:

Longshot is interested in Mushi, though, and therefore so is Jet. While Lee is all flash and brooding anger, Mushi is cheerful but complex; there is layer upon layer to him: he is sad when they proclaim themselves warriors, but when he speaks of his son, he smiles, even though the war killed him.

Neither of them are like Earth Kingdom people, Jet will later think with a bitter taste in his mouth: Mushi is more like a Water Tribesman, clear and simple, but endlessly deep, and Lee… Jet doesn't know why he couldn't see the Fire in him immediately.

30. Dessert:

Longshot has found cream among the captain's spoils. He eats it slowly, luxuriously, dipping dried berries and, when he runs out, his fingers into the bowl, smiling in ecstasy the whole time.

Jet cannot tear his eyes away. He thought, for a moment or two, that Lee might have caught his attention and held it far better than the boy from the marketplace, but no, the boy is only a distraction.

But Longshot doesn't look at him. It is Smellerbee's gaze that he holds; every second, every teasing glance, every surge of heat, is for her, and Jet knows it.

31. Murder:

Jet has never killed for fun. Although his body count is far higher than any of his Freedom Fighters', every kill is chosen carefully, according to risks and gains. Jet knows that he is broken somewhere, and things that should bother him don't seem to anymore.

But human life- even Fire Nation life, which means nothing- is something important. One should have a good reason for taking it away; Jet knows that once you begin killing because you want to, you are truly damned.

He never thought he would think any differently until he found out the truth about Lee.

33. Fever:

His love for Longshot has always been like the smell of spring after a long winter- refreshing and cool, a breath of fresh air. Longshot made strange hope bloom- _hope_, despite the Fire Nation and Smellerbee and Jet's own broken soul.

Lee was a fever, raging in his blood and his heart and his mind, burning and burning until nothing was left of what Longshot had healed but empty desire and heartache. Jet wanted him more than anything, and then he hated him more than he had anyone.

Yet he misses Lee, because when he is gone, Jet has nothing.

39. Chime:

Jet never listens to the clock. In the forest, there weren't any; the sun told them the time (not that the passage of hours mattered much), but here in the city, he supposed they needed something more important-sounding to make them feel better about doing nothing during the war.

But as the two of them walk away, Longshot's hand gripping Smellerbee's shoulder, his anger slowly drains away to the rhythm of the chimes, and he is almost glad to have nothing else in his head; the sorrow of seeing his friends for the last time would be too much otherwise.

42. Callous:

Jet's heartbeat thrums in his chest; it is as if this final indignity is too much for it to bear. It cannot break, for it was already broken- it seems bent on escape, and for a few minutes, all Jet can do is lean against the wall and gasp for air.

It is not as if he weren't expecting this; it is not as if he isn't used to the pain. His mind knows this, but it is like his heart needs these moments to catch up. He does not cry- he is beyond that- but he is very close.

43. Bow:

Now Jet would like to say that he feels betrayed. He would like to say that he feels angry. But there's nothing. All of his emotions have left the stage. Jet thought he had nothing before, but now he's truly hollow.

He traces the stone of the building, trying to recapture his spirit. Did he ever have one? He must've. It's gone now, though.

But hate runs deep. He wonders how he got here- and the answer always comes back to the Fire Nation, to Lee. Lee needs to pay.

Jet will do the honors. He's got nothing better anymore.

36. Shock:

Why is that only the terrible things surprise him?

The way Longshot looks at Smellerbee when she has her back turned always surprises him, every time.

Lee surprised him, first with the passion and then with the anger the boy inspired within him.

Long Feng shouldn't have surprised him. This was the man who had ordered him dead. But he didn't hear that name until it was too late, and he didn't remember it until it was even later.

And he did- the rock, the pain, everything.

He plucks weakly at Smellerbee's sleeve. "…He's not supposed to be wearing green…"

50. Jerk:

Jet can't hate Longshot. He'd like to- it was longing for Longshot that made him see Lee in a different light, and he got caught chasing Lee, and if he hadn't gotten caught he wouldn't be lying here, now would he?

Lee, though, is easy. He's Fire Nation and, again, the reason Jet's here. But Jet finds he can't hate him- not right now, when everything he is is slowly draining away. The hate, all of it, is gone for the first time in… ever. So is the bitterness.

It's sad that Jet should only feel so good while dying.

14. Laogai:

"I'm sorry," he whispers, and Smellerbee immediately insists he has nothing to be sorry for. She has always loved him, and Jet supposes he has always loved her; he is grateful for that, even if the love is strange and twisted, full of not-fights and unspoken jealousy. "No, really… if I had cared about either of you at all, I wouldn't have stood in your way." Smellerbee looks from Longshot to Jet, a slow, dark flush coming over her face. Jet returns her gaze, but Longshot cannot. She understands, finally, after five long years of secrets-

"…I forgive you, Jet."

(…It's not surprising that this turned into more of a triangle than unrequited love, I suppose, since it took me so dang long to write it, but I'm not sure how I feel about it because of that. You can tell me how _you_ feel about it, though- that handy little button's there for a reason, after all!)


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